They Think I'm Getting Better

I eat when I'm around them. Yes, I do. Because if we're out to eat and I don't take a bite, they will put me in therapy. Or worse, they will put me in an institute. I came quite close to that about a month and a half ago, but they ended up not having an education program and my mom decided that wasn't a good idea. If they notice I'm not eating again.... I WILL be locked up.
The thing is, the thought of being with girls who are going through the same thing I am and being with people who know how to deal with it and understand almost appeals to me. It's just that coming out of that prison, looking at how much fatter I've become, and heading into another spiral of self-destruction is not a good idea.
So, I have to eat in order to get them off my case. And they've BEEN off my case, but I haven't been losing weight. Also the winter and the icy roads make it harder to work out. I hate this rut I'm in!
I'm thinking of just completely saying, "fuck it," and starving until I'm a twig, but I know that as soon as I say the three deadly words, "I'm not hungry," I'll be shipped to a center.

So what do I do?


So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.