My Vacation

So I thought I would recover.
But half way through vacation, I looked in the mirror, and all those old feelings came back to me. I hated myself for the way I looked. I am so fat, and I always will be. I called my boyfriend and told him it wasn't over, I can't stop the eating disorder. He told me he was upset but he would be there for me. I starved the next day. I've been eating less than I used to lately, but still, too much. Way too much. All I am is an eating machine. A no good, useless, fat, waste of space. I don't deserve to be looked at. I don't deserve to be talked to.
Saturday morning I had pancakes.
I ate that night too. Almost nothing, but I still ate.
How the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I just keep eating like this.
I had some lunch, but that's all I'm eating today. Fasting tomorrow, which is Monday, until Friday night and Saturday morning, because my boyfriend's confirmation is Saturday and I need the energy to see him.
God I hate myself.