Does anyone else ever do this or have this?
On my iPod I have a playlist labeled "blah." which has about 10 songs about anorexia or bulimia. Blah, because it's a much less suspicious name than "Songs About How Much I Hate Myself and What I Go Through". I listen to them, because they scream the words I'm too weak to say myself. They cry the tears I hold back, and yell every flaw that I can never let escape my head.
3.24.2011
Cold
I've just been cold all day.
Cold today, cold yesterday.
No, Alex, nothing is wrong. No, Hannah, I'm not losing weight. No, Tal, I don't want to pick up my fork. Yes Mom, I ate three meals a day today. No, Dad, I don't know where the scales is. Yes, Maddie, I'm measuring my vegetables exactly because it's a recipe, not because I'm counting calories. Yes, Stef, I am okay.
I am okay.
Cold today, cold yesterday.
No, Alex, nothing is wrong. No, Hannah, I'm not losing weight. No, Tal, I don't want to pick up my fork. Yes Mom, I ate three meals a day today. No, Dad, I don't know where the scales is. Yes, Maddie, I'm measuring my vegetables exactly because it's a recipe, not because I'm counting calories. Yes, Stef, I am okay.
I am okay.
3 lbs in 1 day
I... I mean, I just don't believe it.
Usually I don't consume anything (including liquids) until about 4:00, when I can weigh myself. Yesterday the scale said 117.2. I ate 200 calories, green tea, about a liter of water, then went to bed. Today, again, I consumed nothing until around 5:00, but weighed myself at 4:00. I'd lost 3 lbs.
I know this wasn't water or food weight because two days ago I was 118.4, and did the same thing. I'd lost a pound, no big deal.
But, this has never happened to me. I'm really glad, don't get me wrong! But I'm also confused.
Usually I don't consume anything (including liquids) until about 4:00, when I can weigh myself. Yesterday the scale said 117.2. I ate 200 calories, green tea, about a liter of water, then went to bed. Today, again, I consumed nothing until around 5:00, but weighed myself at 4:00. I'd lost 3 lbs.
I know this wasn't water or food weight because two days ago I was 118.4, and did the same thing. I'd lost a pound, no big deal.
But, this has never happened to me. I'm really glad, don't get me wrong! But I'm also confused.
3.23.2011
Cutting
I cut a lot last night after a huge purge.
Why do I always do this to myself? I'll lose three pounds, get a little bit happy with myself, and start eating normally. Then, I'll gain it all back in a week and purge. Then, I lose three pounds again... and the cycle never ends.
Or, at least, that's how it is when I don't have a scale to check myself.
But THANKFULLY, I found it, and I'll be staying on track for a while.
Back to the cutting.
It was a knife, a real knife, but an awfully rigid one. It wasn't the sharpest, but it definitely drew blood from my thighs and wrists.
Urgh. That word. Wrists. It sounds so... so crazy/gross/hopeless. It's depressing to say, really. I didn't actually realize how abnormal it is to draw your own blood until I wrote that.
Huh.
Why do I always do this to myself? I'll lose three pounds, get a little bit happy with myself, and start eating normally. Then, I'll gain it all back in a week and purge. Then, I lose three pounds again... and the cycle never ends.
Or, at least, that's how it is when I don't have a scale to check myself.
But THANKFULLY, I found it, and I'll be staying on track for a while.
Back to the cutting.
It was a knife, a real knife, but an awfully rigid one. It wasn't the sharpest, but it definitely drew blood from my thighs and wrists.
Urgh. That word. Wrists. It sounds so... so crazy/gross/hopeless. It's depressing to say, really. I didn't actually realize how abnormal it is to draw your own blood until I wrote that.
Huh.
1.2 lbs
Yes, I lost 1.2 in a day! This was about a 22 hour fast, probably lost from all the water weight and food weight coming off.
So here's what I'm doing:
I weigh myself around 3:30 daily. I basically only eat around 5:00 or 6:00, about 200 calories, which is what I've just done. This way I'm not weighing myself with all that deceitful food and water, I'm weighing myself clean and pure.
I went from 118.4 to 117.2. Hopefully going to be below 117 by 3:00 tomorrow, aiming for 116.5. (:
3.22.2011
Weighing Again
I FOUND THE SCALE!!!
My parents were hiding it, haha.
I did a freaking dance in my room. I'm so happy! When I had a scale, I was losing about a half a pound per day. Now I can stop gaining and losing 3 lbs and just keep on track! Hopefully I'll be 105 by this summer!
My parents were hiding it, haha.
I did a freaking dance in my room. I'm so happy! When I had a scale, I was losing about a half a pound per day. Now I can stop gaining and losing 3 lbs and just keep on track! Hopefully I'll be 105 by this summer!
2.27.2011
Running
I just had a forty minute run and feel sort of good about it. I kept pushing myself to take longer and longer routes until I couldn't run anymore, and the control over myself calmed me for a bit. Oh, that is, until I looked into the mirror. I saw a three-hundred-pound waste of life.
I quickly stripped and doused myself in a freezing bath. I read somewhere that's supposed to make your metabolism work harder. Hopefully I'll weigh less tomorrow.
I quickly stripped and doused myself in a freezing bath. I read somewhere that's supposed to make your metabolism work harder. Hopefully I'll weigh less tomorrow.
My Vacation
So I thought I would recover.
But half way through vacation, I looked in the mirror, and all those old feelings came back to me. I hated myself for the way I looked. I am so fat, and I always will be. I called my boyfriend and told him it wasn't over, I can't stop the eating disorder. He told me he was upset but he would be there for me. I starved the next day. I've been eating less than I used to lately, but still, too much. Way too much. All I am is an eating machine. A no good, useless, fat, waste of space. I don't deserve to be looked at. I don't deserve to be talked to.
Saturday morning I had pancakes.
I ate that night too. Almost nothing, but I still ate.
How the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I just keep eating like this.
I had some lunch, but that's all I'm eating today. Fasting tomorrow, which is Monday, until Friday night and Saturday morning, because my boyfriend's confirmation is Saturday and I need the energy to see him.
God I hate myself.
But half way through vacation, I looked in the mirror, and all those old feelings came back to me. I hated myself for the way I looked. I am so fat, and I always will be. I called my boyfriend and told him it wasn't over, I can't stop the eating disorder. He told me he was upset but he would be there for me. I starved the next day. I've been eating less than I used to lately, but still, too much. Way too much. All I am is an eating machine. A no good, useless, fat, waste of space. I don't deserve to be looked at. I don't deserve to be talked to.
Saturday morning I had pancakes.
I ate that night too. Almost nothing, but I still ate.
How the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I just keep eating like this.
I had some lunch, but that's all I'm eating today. Fasting tomorrow, which is Monday, until Friday night and Saturday morning, because my boyfriend's confirmation is Saturday and I need the energy to see him.
God I hate myself.
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