It's Been Ages

You're probably disappointed in me. I can't even keep a blog going... it's been a month and a half since I've posted here. Honestly, I feel like such a failure. Why do I even advertise this blog on PrettyThin if I don't even update it?
I scroll and scroll through countless forum posts, pictures, anything. I'll read and I'll read, but somewhere deep within me, something tells me not to post. I haven't posted much on PrettyThin lately. I haven't been doing well enough. Actually, I've been doing TERRIBLY.
My weight is currently... 117. Probably. I don't know. My scale was taken by my bitch of a mom. I swear, if I still had a god damn scale I might be at 95 right now. Those numbers were my motivation. My push to keep going. Without them... how far can I go on my own? What do numbers even mean anymore?
The lack of an exact measurement of my fat distorts my body image even more. I Don't know what I look like anymore... am I ever going to?

This post was filled with more questions then answers. Sorry, thats all I'm left with.

I Feel Like Painting

This weekend I've been doing pretty much nothing but sit at my computer to look at pictures on PrettyThin and stare at myself in the mirror. This eventually got me really, really bored as well as inspired to draw. So this morning I went on PT looking for a picture of a thin girl's back. No poses, just standing. I found the perfect picture and drew it, emphasizing ribs, shoulder blades, and her spine. Next I drew a rectangle about her size in front of her and drew a fat woman facing forward there. Make sense? It's supposed to be the girl looking in the mirror.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.