So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.
Showing posts with label losing weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label losing weight. Show all posts
1.21.2011
12.23.2010
It's Been Ages
You're probably disappointed in me. I can't even keep a blog going... it's been a month and a half since I've posted here. Honestly, I feel like such a failure. Why do I even advertise this blog on PrettyThin if I don't even update it?
I scroll and scroll through countless forum posts, pictures, anything. I'll read and I'll read, but somewhere deep within me, something tells me not to post. I haven't posted much on PrettyThin lately. I haven't been doing well enough. Actually, I've been doing TERRIBLY.
My weight is currently... 117. Probably. I don't know. My scale was taken by my bitch of a mom. I swear, if I still had a god damn scale I might be at 95 right now. Those numbers were my motivation. My push to keep going. Without them... how far can I go on my own? What do numbers even mean anymore?
The lack of an exact measurement of my fat distorts my body image even more. I Don't know what I look like anymore... am I ever going to?
This post was filled with more questions then answers. Sorry, thats all I'm left with.
I scroll and scroll through countless forum posts, pictures, anything. I'll read and I'll read, but somewhere deep within me, something tells me not to post. I haven't posted much on PrettyThin lately. I haven't been doing well enough. Actually, I've been doing TERRIBLY.
My weight is currently... 117. Probably. I don't know. My scale was taken by my bitch of a mom. I swear, if I still had a god damn scale I might be at 95 right now. Those numbers were my motivation. My push to keep going. Without them... how far can I go on my own? What do numbers even mean anymore?
The lack of an exact measurement of my fat distorts my body image even more. I Don't know what I look like anymore... am I ever going to?
This post was filled with more questions then answers. Sorry, thats all I'm left with.
10.11.2010
Weight Loss Vlog
I started a vlog on prettythin, and I'm going to be posting videos of my weight loss every day for maybe 30 days or more. I did it because I think maybe having an audience will help inspire me to lose more. You can only get to the page with the link, so here's the link to the first day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqXOE21mzO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqXOE21mzO4
Giving Up
I'm giving up food. For good. I don't want it and I don't need it and all it does is make me feel terrible. I'm only going to eat it if my parents are around or they're taking me out so they don't get suspicious. But I'm no longer eating because I want to. I'm eating because I have to.
I will win the battle against myself.
I will win the battle against myself.
10.10.2010
Urghh
I am so, so sorry I youre veiwing this right now. I know it hurts your eyes. but I've made slight progress since this picture.... maybe... maybe not... and yeah. I'm slightly proud. I don't think so... maybe... gah... I need help...
I Feel Like Painting
This weekend I've been doing pretty much nothing but sit at my computer to look at pictures on PrettyThin and stare at myself in the mirror. This eventually got me really, really bored as well as inspired to draw. So this morning I went on PT looking for a picture of a thin girl's back. No poses, just standing. I found the perfect picture and drew it, emphasizing ribs, shoulder blades, and her spine. Next I drew a rectangle about her size in front of her and drew a fat woman facing forward there. Make sense? It's supposed to be the girl looking in the mirror.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.
10.09.2010
Blah Fucking Blah
I should blog more then two posts in a couple of weeks. Oh well... whatever. This week I've been trying to lose weight in a bunch of different ways.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
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