They Think I'm Getting Better

I eat when I'm around them. Yes, I do. Because if we're out to eat and I don't take a bite, they will put me in therapy. Or worse, they will put me in an institute. I came quite close to that about a month and a half ago, but they ended up not having an education program and my mom decided that wasn't a good idea. If they notice I'm not eating again.... I WILL be locked up.
The thing is, the thought of being with girls who are going through the same thing I am and being with people who know how to deal with it and understand almost appeals to me. It's just that coming out of that prison, looking at how much fatter I've become, and heading into another spiral of self-destruction is not a good idea.
So, I have to eat in order to get them off my case. And they've BEEN off my case, but I haven't been losing weight. Also the winter and the icy roads make it harder to work out. I hate this rut I'm in!
I'm thinking of just completely saying, "fuck it," and starving until I'm a twig, but I know that as soon as I say the three deadly words, "I'm not hungry," I'll be shipped to a center.

So what do I do?

Thighs

So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.

My Little Freak Out

I already posted this on PrettyAlone, but I thought I'd share it with Blogspot too.


I woke up one day. I looked at myself. I started bawling on the spot. I hated every inch of myself. I HAD to do something... immediately. There was nothing I could do to change the way I looked in five seconds though. 
Oh wait... yeah. There is.

I held the menacing point of a safety pin in my fingers, and instantly dug into my hip in a perfect figure eight. I don't know what it stood for... either the amount of weight I had gained since my lowest weight... or the infinite pain of anorexia.

I didn't stop at my hips. I scratched my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my wrists... everything that needed to change. I needed to FEEL the change.

And then my hands threw themselves into the air and collided with my jiggling, repulsive figure again and again, hitting and destroying and punishing everything they could.

I screamed. I cried. I collapsed into my bed and drowned in the puddles of tears I made on the sheets. I was not leaving the house that day. I would not do anything but hold myself captive in my own body. I would not shove lard down my throat. I couldn't. I didn't deserve it.

This is not love. This is pain. These are not goals.... these numbers are drugs. This life is not a fairy tale.. it is the bruises on your body, the scars on your wrists, the valleys on your cheeks cut from the rivers of your tears. Is there a point to life if happiness will never be found?

Weight Loss Vlog

I started a vlog on prettythin, and I'm going to be posting videos of my weight loss every day for maybe 30 days or more. I did it because I think maybe having an audience will help inspire me to lose more. You can only get to the page with the link, so here's the link to the first day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqXOE21mzO4

WHY DID I JUST POST THAT?

Shit... shit shit SHIT. I'm new to blogger and I don't know how to erase it. I am SO sorry. I look like a total fagot in that picture and there was no point because in the newer picture (the one of me in the maroon) you cant even tell that I've changed and I'm totally freaking out right now. Aw dammit... SHIT.

Urghh

I am so, so sorry I youre veiwing this right now. I know it hurts your eyes. but I've made slight progress since this picture.... maybe... maybe not... and yeah. I'm slightly proud. I don't think so... maybe... gah... I need help...