So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.
Showing posts with label pounds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pounds. Show all posts
1.21.2011
10.11.2010
Giving Up
I'm giving up food. For good. I don't want it and I don't need it and all it does is make me feel terrible. I'm only going to eat it if my parents are around or they're taking me out so they don't get suspicious. But I'm no longer eating because I want to. I'm eating because I have to.
I will win the battle against myself.
I will win the battle against myself.
10.09.2010
Blah Fucking Blah
I should blog more then two posts in a couple of weeks. Oh well... whatever. This week I've been trying to lose weight in a bunch of different ways.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
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