Thighs

So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.

Giving Up

I'm giving up food. For good. I don't want it and I don't need it and all it does is make me feel terrible. I'm only going to eat it if my parents are around or they're taking me out so they don't get suspicious. But I'm no longer eating because I want to. I'm eating because I have to.
I will win the battle against myself.

I Feel Like Painting

This weekend I've been doing pretty much nothing but sit at my computer to look at pictures on PrettyThin and stare at myself in the mirror. This eventually got me really, really bored as well as inspired to draw. So this morning I went on PT looking for a picture of a thin girl's back. No poses, just standing. I found the perfect picture and drew it, emphasizing ribs, shoulder blades, and her spine. Next I drew a rectangle about her size in front of her and drew a fat woman facing forward there. Make sense? It's supposed to be the girl looking in the mirror.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.

A Poem? A Song?

My English teacher gave us a flyer for a book that wanted kids to put their own poetry in it, and the top ten winners get a fifty dollar savings bond and a free copy of the book. Uhm... okay, I know this is another corporate scam. They want you to put your poem in so you just absolutely have to buy the book and see your work in it. What's so great about that anyway? But this did get me thinking about letting other people read some of my own work. I know that the best stuff comes from some of the most important things in your life. For example... it's easy to write about a lover, or about an event such as a funeral or wedding, maybe you can write about the sky's beautiful color. But it's hard to pick up a pen and write about winter when it's autumn, isn't it? So, instead of submitting some lame ass rhymes,  I wrote something about my perception of this weight problem I have. Hope you like it.

Lilly's enemy lives inside her
But she gets through the day
She sees beauty around her
And she'll get there someway

She won't finish her dinner
Says she's had enough
Wants to make herself thinner
Says she's eaten too much

Hunger eats her insides
Soon she's stuffing her face
Fleeting triumphs diminished
Failure taking it's place

The gym is her best friend
Lilly sweats out her guilt
Running until she can't stand
She wants true looks that kill

Her mom won't stop crying
Cause she thinks she's too late
Lilly just keeps on lying
And starts walking away

She doesn't remember
When she left food behind
Lilly's hopeless surrender
From a desperate mind

You will call her a monster
But she burdens a curse
Please don't try to cure her
Cause it just makes it worse

An ED Specialist?

Hey.
I'm a kid in middle school who's too fat to be happy.
That's the only introduction I have for you.

My day started at 5:00 when I woke up and went down stairs to do an ab work out. I should do that more often... anyway, after that, I showered. I had to use three kinds of conditioners because my hair has been extremely dry lately... maybe it's because of the lack of food. Damn, is that happening to me already? So, I went downstairs to finish the homework I didn't do last night. I ended up driving to school in the back seat of my mom's car while she and my sister screamed at each other over nothing in the front. School was fine, but I was supposed to be on a no carb diet today, and I broke it by having a bite of the bread they were selling in the caf. Actually, I also had a bowl of pasta too when I came home. Whoops. I think tomorrow I'll just eat a few sticks of celery to make up for it. After my mom drove me a half hour to Jew class and dropped me off, I walked in only to realize there actually was none because of some stupid service for the kids. So I called me mom, and she turned around and picked me up. She wanted to go to some house in Hartford where her great great grandpa used to live with his 13 year old wife, but it actually wasn't there anymore. Instead there was a fenced in parking lot. More useless time wasted. On the way home, I asked for laxatives because I haven't been getting the physical results I've been so desperately needing, but she just started screaming at me. She told me she's gonna take me to a "specialist" who helps girls my age with "eating disorders and self image problems". I don't have an eating disorder, and I don't have a self image problem. I'm a middle school girl who's constantly surrounded by girls with the thinnest, most perfect bodies. Aren't all girls my age trying to lose weight? My response to her suggestion was, "Why don't you just take me to an institution so they can cure me and make me eat pizza all day? You'll be happy if I'm fat, right?". She told me I don't need rehab, I just need to "stop this before it takes over your life". To put it plainly, I'd be glad if striving to be thin, exercising, and having good eating habits took over my life. At least then I might actually become beautiful to other people. Is this lady shes taking me to gonna sit me down and make me eat cupcakes every day? I don't need this. I don't have a problem. I have a solution.