1.2 lbs

Yes, I lost 1.2 in a day! This was about a 22 hour fast, probably lost from all the water weight and food weight coming off.

So here's what I'm doing:

I weigh myself around 3:30 daily. I basically only eat around 5:00 or 6:00, about 200 calories, which is what I've just done. This way I'm not weighing myself with all that deceitful food and water, I'm weighing myself clean and pure.

I went from 118.4 to 117.2. Hopefully going to be below 117 by 3:00 tomorrow, aiming for 116.5. (:

Weighing Again

I FOUND THE SCALE!!!
My parents were hiding it, haha.
I did a freaking dance in my room. I'm so happy! When I had a scale, I was losing about a half a pound per day. Now I can stop gaining and losing 3 lbs and just keep on track! Hopefully I'll be 105 by this summer!

Running

I just had a forty minute run and feel sort of good about it. I kept pushing myself to take longer and longer routes until I couldn't run anymore, and the control over myself calmed me for a bit. Oh, that is, until I looked into the mirror. I saw a three-hundred-pound waste of life.
I quickly stripped and doused myself in a freezing bath. I read somewhere that's supposed to make your metabolism work harder. Hopefully I'll weigh less tomorrow.

My Vacation

So I thought I would recover.
But half way through vacation, I looked in the mirror, and all those old feelings came back to me. I hated myself for the way I looked. I am so fat, and I always will be. I called my boyfriend and told him it wasn't over, I can't stop the eating disorder. He told me he was upset but he would be there for me. I starved the next day. I've been eating less than I used to lately, but still, too much. Way too much. All I am is an eating machine. A no good, useless, fat, waste of space. I don't deserve to be looked at. I don't deserve to be talked to.
Saturday morning I had pancakes.
I ate that night too. Almost nothing, but I still ate.
How the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I just keep eating like this.
I had some lunch, but that's all I'm eating today. Fasting tomorrow, which is Monday, until Friday night and Saturday morning, because my boyfriend's confirmation is Saturday and I need the energy to see him.
God I hate myself.

Scales

I remember back when I had a scale...
I was losing several pounds a week. Now I'm down to nothing ever since it was taken away.
I hate myself so much.

I'm Such a Failure

I weigh as much as I did this summer.
I've just been reversing all the work I put into my body. Not getting thinner. I'm sooooo fucking fat now. I'm disgusting. I'm not as thin as I used to be. And even then, I wasn't even thin! I need to lose, and fast. I need it gone TODAY. This isn't a game anymore. I really, really fucking hate myself, and there's nothing I can do but, sit, starve, wait, and watch. I don't have a scale so I can't even track myself losing any weight. God, I fucking hate myself.
Sorry for the redundant rambling. I just feel like shit.

They Think I'm Getting Better

I eat when I'm around them. Yes, I do. Because if we're out to eat and I don't take a bite, they will put me in therapy. Or worse, they will put me in an institute. I came quite close to that about a month and a half ago, but they ended up not having an education program and my mom decided that wasn't a good idea. If they notice I'm not eating again.... I WILL be locked up.
The thing is, the thought of being with girls who are going through the same thing I am and being with people who know how to deal with it and understand almost appeals to me. It's just that coming out of that prison, looking at how much fatter I've become, and heading into another spiral of self-destruction is not a good idea.
So, I have to eat in order to get them off my case. And they've BEEN off my case, but I haven't been losing weight. Also the winter and the icy roads make it harder to work out. I hate this rut I'm in!
I'm thinking of just completely saying, "fuck it," and starving until I'm a twig, but I know that as soon as I say the three deadly words, "I'm not hungry," I'll be shipped to a center.

So what do I do?

Thighs

So my thighs are getting pretty close to not touching. When I put my knees together, the top of them just brush each other gently. Almost barely.
But they're still touching.
And so, I still hate myself. I can't lose the weight, I'm not good enough. My boyfriend must be repulsed when he sees the jelly covering my bones. He always tells me I'm not fat but I know he's lying. I must be somewhere around 114 or 113 by now. If not, and if I get on the scale and I'm more.... I don't know what will happen.
Since my mom took the scale, the only time I can weigh myself is at my grandparents house. The scale in their bathroom is, and I'm not kidding, called, "THINNER". Every time I look at it, that word at the top screams imperfection. I'm 114 lbs, and yes, I do need to be thinner. My goal is to be 90. I don't know if anyone will like it... I don't know if my boyfriend will like it... I don't know if I'll look beautiful even then. But when I imagine myself getting on the scale and seeing those digits, I just NEED to get there. I don't care if my boyfriend is disgusted with the skeletal frame... I won't be.