I just had a forty minute run and feel sort of good about it. I kept pushing myself to take longer and longer routes until I couldn't run anymore, and the control over myself calmed me for a bit. Oh, that is, until I looked into the mirror. I saw a three-hundred-pound waste of life.
I quickly stripped and doused myself in a freezing bath. I read somewhere that's supposed to make your metabolism work harder. Hopefully I'll weigh less tomorrow.

My Vacation

So I thought I would recover.
But half way through vacation, I looked in the mirror, and all those old feelings came back to me. I hated myself for the way I looked. I am so fat, and I always will be. I called my boyfriend and told him it wasn't over, I can't stop the eating disorder. He told me he was upset but he would be there for me. I starved the next day. I've been eating less than I used to lately, but still, too much. Way too much. All I am is an eating machine. A no good, useless, fat, waste of space. I don't deserve to be looked at. I don't deserve to be talked to.
Saturday morning I had pancakes.
I ate that night too. Almost nothing, but I still ate.
How the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I just keep eating like this.
I had some lunch, but that's all I'm eating today. Fasting tomorrow, which is Monday, until Friday night and Saturday morning, because my boyfriend's confirmation is Saturday and I need the energy to see him.
God I hate myself.


I remember back when I had a scale...
I was losing several pounds a week. Now I'm down to nothing ever since it was taken away.
I hate myself so much.

I'm Such a Failure

I weigh as much as I did this summer.
I've just been reversing all the work I put into my body. Not getting thinner. I'm sooooo fucking fat now. I'm disgusting. I'm not as thin as I used to be. And even then, I wasn't even thin! I need to lose, and fast. I need it gone TODAY. This isn't a game anymore. I really, really fucking hate myself, and there's nothing I can do but, sit, starve, wait, and watch. I don't have a scale so I can't even track myself losing any weight. God, I fucking hate myself.
Sorry for the redundant rambling. I just feel like shit.