I started a vlog on prettythin, and I'm going to be posting videos of my weight loss every day for maybe 30 days or more. I did it because I think maybe having an audience will help inspire me to lose more. You can only get to the page with the link, so here's the link to the first day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqXOE21mzO4
10.11.2010
Giving Up
I'm giving up food. For good. I don't want it and I don't need it and all it does is make me feel terrible. I'm only going to eat it if my parents are around or they're taking me out so they don't get suspicious. But I'm no longer eating because I want to. I'm eating because I have to.
I will win the battle against myself.
I will win the battle against myself.
10.10.2010
WHY DID I JUST POST THAT?
Shit... shit shit SHIT. I'm new to blogger and I don't know how to erase it. I am SO sorry. I look like a total fagot in that picture and there was no point because in the newer picture (the one of me in the maroon) you cant even tell that I've changed and I'm totally freaking out right now. Aw dammit... SHIT.
Urghh
I am so, so sorry I youre veiwing this right now. I know it hurts your eyes. but I've made slight progress since this picture.... maybe... maybe not... and yeah. I'm slightly proud. I don't think so... maybe... gah... I need help...
I Feel Like Painting
This weekend I've been doing pretty much nothing but sit at my computer to look at pictures on PrettyThin and stare at myself in the mirror. This eventually got me really, really bored as well as inspired to draw. So this morning I went on PT looking for a picture of a thin girl's back. No poses, just standing. I found the perfect picture and drew it, emphasizing ribs, shoulder blades, and her spine. Next I drew a rectangle about her size in front of her and drew a fat woman facing forward there. Make sense? It's supposed to be the girl looking in the mirror.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.
10.09.2010
Painful Thinspiration
I am so jealous of this girl I swear I'm going to break down crying right now. Why cant I look like this? Why can't I be this beautiful? If I've even made a bit of a difference so far in my image, it's not showing, and I'm not improving. I'm failing. I'm beginning to feel like this is never going to happen.
Zero Calorie Monster
YESSS!
My school is right next to a convenience store. I walked in there after school with my friends, and guess what? They were selling zero calorie monster! I didn't even know there was such thing. I'm a teen, so I love energy drinks and so does every other kid I know, and when I saw that negative color, (purple rip on a white can,) I was like, "Hmm, what's this?". So I turned it around to see the nutrition facts like I always do, and there was a big fat zero where the calories were. Yay!
Why am I so happy about this? Because I love monster, but it has too many calories for comfort, and zero is the best number I've ever heard. Oh, and I'm also excited cause I'm a freak.
My school is right next to a convenience store. I walked in there after school with my friends, and guess what? They were selling zero calorie monster! I didn't even know there was such thing. I'm a teen, so I love energy drinks and so does every other kid I know, and when I saw that negative color, (purple rip on a white can,) I was like, "Hmm, what's this?". So I turned it around to see the nutrition facts like I always do, and there was a big fat zero where the calories were. Yay!
Why am I so happy about this? Because I love monster, but it has too many calories for comfort, and zero is the best number I've ever heard. Oh, and I'm also excited cause I'm a freak.
New Diet
I have this diet idea.
Again.
I'm going to have half a cup of cheerios (50 calories) and a quarter cup of soy milk (25 calories) every meal, and have three meals a day with no snacks in between. That makes 225 calories in a day, and makes me not feel as hungry as fasting does. This is probably a really good idea but I don't know how I can stick with it. Maybe I should make up a couple 75 calorie meals to keep me interested in my food and take in a good variety of it as well. Cheerios is the best cereal for you though and a lot of things' calories aren't that easy to monitor, especially since I eat lunch at school five days a week. I've got to figure this out.
Again.
I'm going to have half a cup of cheerios (50 calories) and a quarter cup of soy milk (25 calories) every meal, and have three meals a day with no snacks in between. That makes 225 calories in a day, and makes me not feel as hungry as fasting does. This is probably a really good idea but I don't know how I can stick with it. Maybe I should make up a couple 75 calorie meals to keep me interested in my food and take in a good variety of it as well. Cheerios is the best cereal for you though and a lot of things' calories aren't that easy to monitor, especially since I eat lunch at school five days a week. I've got to figure this out.
A Poem? A Song?
My English teacher gave us a flyer for a book that wanted kids to put their own poetry in it, and the top ten winners get a fifty dollar savings bond and a free copy of the book. Uhm... okay, I know this is another corporate scam. They want you to put your poem in so you just absolutely have to buy the book and see your work in it. What's so great about that anyway? But this did get me thinking about letting other people read some of my own work. I know that the best stuff comes from some of the most important things in your life. For example... it's easy to write about a lover, or about an event such as a funeral or wedding, maybe you can write about the sky's beautiful color. But it's hard to pick up a pen and write about winter when it's autumn, isn't it? So, instead of submitting some lame ass rhymes, I wrote something about my perception of this weight problem I have. Hope you like it.
Lilly's enemy lives inside her
But she gets through the day
She sees beauty around her
And she'll get there someway
She won't finish her dinner
Says she's had enough
Wants to make herself thinner
Says she's eaten too much
Hunger eats her insides
Soon she's stuffing her face
Fleeting triumphs diminished
Failure taking it's place
The gym is her best friend
Lilly sweats out her guilt
Running until she can't stand
She wants true looks that kill
Her mom won't stop crying
Cause she thinks she's too late
Lilly just keeps on lying
And starts walking away
She doesn't remember
When she left food behind
Lilly's hopeless surrender
From a desperate mind
You will call her a monster
But she burdens a curse
Please don't try to cure her
Cause it just makes it worse
Lilly's enemy lives inside her
But she gets through the day
She sees beauty around her
And she'll get there someway
She won't finish her dinner
Says she's had enough
Wants to make herself thinner
Says she's eaten too much
Hunger eats her insides
Soon she's stuffing her face
Fleeting triumphs diminished
Failure taking it's place
The gym is her best friend
Lilly sweats out her guilt
Running until she can't stand
She wants true looks that kill
Her mom won't stop crying
Cause she thinks she's too late
Lilly just keeps on lying
And starts walking away
She doesn't remember
When she left food behind
Lilly's hopeless surrender
From a desperate mind
You will call her a monster
But she burdens a curse
Please don't try to cure her
Cause it just makes it worse
Blah Fucking Blah
I should blog more then two posts in a couple of weeks. Oh well... whatever. This week I've been trying to lose weight in a bunch of different ways.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)