You're a Whore

These are the words I've been hearing over and over again from girls I don't even know.
It started when I went to Larchmont, New York to see my amazing boyfriend who I love more then anything I've ever loved before. It's none of your business what we did, and we promised to each other we would keep the day a secret. But people knew I had come that day since we talked about it in public so often as we anticipated the day, and then on after.
So my boyfriend's ex girlfriend decided it would be fun to start a little lie about me and spread it through her entire school. Now I don't know how, but she has a very high, very credible reputation and people were anxious to eat up her lies like the cake they have every night. The rumor went a little something like this:
"She let him feel her up, finger her, she gave him a hand job, and she gave him head."
Okay, let me tell you something. My boyfriend gave me my first kiss that day. It was amazing. I don't think I would have my first kiss and go that far with a guy in the same day. Thats just wrong. I may love him, but I'm not that easy.
She somehow now expects me to believe that she has no feelings for him at all. She insists she doesn't care about us, all she cares about is her new boyfriend. (Last week, she said otherwise. She told me she still loved my boyfriend and didn't love hers. The contradicting hypocritical bitch.) She isn't telling her friends to say the nasty things that they are, but then again, she isn't stopping them. I'll give you an example of something someone wrote on my Formspring.
"You do not know me, but I've heard and read so much about you. The one word I can find that fits you is whore. You "love" your boyfriend, who you just started dating, and you already gave him head. Thats a WHORE."
Do you see everything wrong with that statement? From the first sentence you can tell a few things are off. First of all, "You do not know me..." then why are you even bothering to talk to me? "I've heard and read so much about you..." does this not prove that you're a judgmental idiot who loves to listen to gossip and think anything they want of people they don't know? "...who you just started dating..." my boyfriend and I have been in love since this summer. If you don't agree with it, believe it, or like it, you can kiss my ass. "...you already gave him head." NO. I didn't. Thanks for that.
Anyway, even though I didn't do any of that, who's to tell me I'm wrong if I did? If I honestly and deeply love this boy (which I do), then why should there be a limit on how I show it to him? I'm pretty sure most "whores" have several sex partners or cheat on their boyfriend. I haven't done either... in fact, my boyfriend is the only guy I've ever kissed, as I've already stated. How does that make me a whore?


My Little Freak Out

I already posted this on PrettyAlone, but I thought I'd share it with Blogspot too.

I woke up one day. I looked at myself. I started bawling on the spot. I hated every inch of myself. I HAD to do something... immediately. There was nothing I could do to change the way I looked in five seconds though. 
Oh wait... yeah. There is.
I held the menacing point of a safety pin in my fingers, and instantly dug into my hip in a perfect figure eight. I don't know what it stood for... either the amount of weight I had gained since my lowest weight... or the infinite pain of anorexia.
I didn't stop at my hips. I scratched my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my wrists... everything that needed to change. I needed to FEEL the change.
And then my hands threw themselves into the air and collided with my jiggling, repulsive figure again and again, hitting and destroying and punishing everything they could.
I screamed. I cried. I collapsed into my bed and drowned in the puddles of tears I made on the sheets. I was not leaving the house that day. I would not do anything but hold myself captive in my own body. I would not shove lard down my throat. I couldn't. I didn't deserve it.
This is not love. This is pain. These are not goals.... these numbers are drugs. This life is not a fairy tale.. it is the bruises on your body, the scars on your wrists, the valleys on your cheeks cut from the rivers of your tears. Is there a point to life if happiness will never be found?

It's Been Ages

You're probably disappointed in me. I can't even keep a blog going... it's been a month and a half since I've posted here. Honestly, I feel like such a failure. Why do I even advertise this blog on PrettyThin if I don't even update it?
I scroll and scroll through countless forum posts, pictures, anything. I'll read and I'll read, but somewhere deep within me, something tells me not to post. I haven't posted much on PrettyThin lately. I haven't been doing well enough. Actually, I've been doing TERRIBLY.
My weight is currently... 117. Probably. I don't know. My scale was taken by my bitch of a mom. I swear, if I still had a god damn scale I might be at 95 right now. Those numbers were my motivation. My push to keep going. Without them... how far can I go on my own? What do numbers even mean anymore?
The lack of an exact measurement of my fat distorts my body image even more. I Don't know what I look like anymore... am I ever going to?

This post was filled with more questions then answers. Sorry, thats all I'm left with.


Weight Loss Vlog

I started a vlog on prettythin, and I'm going to be posting videos of my weight loss every day for maybe 30 days or more. I did it because I think maybe having an audience will help inspire me to lose more. You can only get to the page with the link, so here's the link to the first day:

Giving Up

I'm giving up food. For good. I don't want it and I don't need it and all it does is make me feel terrible. I'm only going to eat it if my parents are around or they're taking me out so they don't get suspicious. But I'm no longer eating because I want to. I'm eating because I have to.
I will win the battle against myself.



Shit... shit shit SHIT. I'm new to blogger and I don't know how to erase it. I am SO sorry. I look like a total fagot in that picture and there was no point because in the newer picture (the one of me in the maroon) you cant even tell that I've changed and I'm totally freaking out right now. Aw dammit... SHIT.


I am so, so sorry I youre veiwing this right now. I know it hurts your eyes. but I've made slight progress since this picture.... maybe... maybe not... and yeah. I'm slightly proud. I don't think so... maybe... gah... I need help...

I Feel Like Painting

This weekend I've been doing pretty much nothing but sit at my computer to look at pictures on PrettyThin and stare at myself in the mirror. This eventually got me really, really bored as well as inspired to draw. So this morning I went on PT looking for a picture of a thin girl's back. No poses, just standing. I found the perfect picture and drew it, emphasizing ribs, shoulder blades, and her spine. Next I drew a rectangle about her size in front of her and drew a fat woman facing forward there. Make sense? It's supposed to be the girl looking in the mirror.
I know most people can see art pieces like this and only interpret a sad, insane girl who is desperate for needless attention. But the artist isn't drawing the girl in a bad light. In fact, these paintings or sketches usually represent knowing how the subject feels, not mocking it.
I want to transfer the image to a canvas in paint but I don't want my mom or dad to see it, because i know they won't understand. I don't think I can actually paint anything without my parents seeing it, because they're really interested in encouraging me and my sister's creativity. It's sad, because artwork is supposed to be about expressing yourself, and is usually only for the sake of yourself.
Oh well.


Painful Thinspiration

I am so jealous of this girl I swear I'm going to break down crying right now. Why cant I look like this? Why can't I be this beautiful? If I've even made a bit of a difference so far in my image, it's not showing, and I'm not improving. I'm failing. I'm beginning to feel like this is never going to happen.

Zero Calorie Monster

My school is right next to a convenience store. I walked in there after school with my friends, and guess what? They were selling zero calorie monster! I didn't even know there was such thing. I'm a teen, so I love energy drinks and so does every other kid I know, and when I saw that negative color, (purple rip on a white can,) I was like, "Hmm, what's this?". So I turned it around to see the nutrition facts like I always do, and there was a big fat zero where the calories were. Yay!
Why am I so happy about this? Because I love monster, but it has too many calories for comfort, and zero is the best number I've ever heard. Oh, and I'm also excited cause I'm a freak.

New Diet

I have this diet idea.
I'm going to have half a cup of cheerios (50 calories) and a quarter cup of soy milk (25 calories) every meal, and have three meals a day with no snacks in between. That makes 225 calories in a day, and makes me not feel as hungry as fasting does. This is probably a really good idea but I don't know how I can stick with it. Maybe I should make up a couple 75 calorie meals to keep me interested in my food and take in a good variety of it as well. Cheerios is the best cereal for you though and a lot of things' calories aren't that easy to monitor, especially since I eat lunch at school five days a week. I've got to figure this out.

A Poem? A Song?

My English teacher gave us a flyer for a book that wanted kids to put their own poetry in it, and the top ten winners get a fifty dollar savings bond and a free copy of the book. Uhm... okay, I know this is another corporate scam. They want you to put your poem in so you just absolutely have to buy the book and see your work in it. What's so great about that anyway? But this did get me thinking about letting other people read some of my own work. I know that the best stuff comes from some of the most important things in your life. For example... it's easy to write about a lover, or about an event such as a funeral or wedding, maybe you can write about the sky's beautiful color. But it's hard to pick up a pen and write about winter when it's autumn, isn't it? So, instead of submitting some lame ass rhymes,  I wrote something about my perception of this weight problem I have. Hope you like it.

Lilly's enemy lives inside her
But she gets through the day
She sees beauty around her
And she'll get there someway

She won't finish her dinner
Says she's had enough
Wants to make herself thinner
Says she's eaten too much

Hunger eats her insides
Soon she's stuffing her face
Fleeting triumphs diminished
Failure taking it's place

The gym is her best friend
Lilly sweats out her guilt
Running until she can't stand
She wants true looks that kill

Her mom won't stop crying
Cause she thinks she's too late
Lilly just keeps on lying
And starts walking away

She doesn't remember
When she left food behind
Lilly's hopeless surrender
From a desperate mind

You will call her a monster
But she burdens a curse
Please don't try to cure her
Cause it just makes it worse

Blah Fucking Blah

I should blog more then two posts in a couple of weeks. Oh well... whatever. This week I've been trying to lose weight in a bunch of different ways.
First, I fasted for a day. but that was so, so hard because I hardly had any water either. I was falling apart and couldn't get a second of sleep, and ended up downstairs at two in the morning eating not because i wanted to but so I could finally get to bed! I had a stick of celery, a banana, and half a bowl of apple jacks.I was so damn weak that I had to anchor my elbows to the table in order to be able to lift the damn spoon. Obviously, I don't think not eating at all for an entire day makes look like I'm fine to my parents.
Next, I tried not eating until dinner and only eating a small portion of my dinner. That sort of worked because when I don't eat any lunch I feel compelled not to eat a lot of dinner for some reason. But sometimes I would totally binge out on got knows what. I stopped doing that because I found out that when you don't eat breakfast your body does a shit job at burning calories, so my calorie intake seemed to my body like it was twice as much as it actually was.
Now, I'm trying to give myself a normal sized (or as close to normal size as I'm capable of) breakfast and eating small portions of fruits and veggies moderately throughout the day. I hope this works. I'm thinking it will. I've lost four pounds this week on these diets. Or was it in two weeks... I forget, I'm awful at keeping time. Something that really motivated me this week was when my parents took me to see "The Social Network" and we ran into a family friend who hasn't seen me for a while. She said to my mom something like, "Wow, she's really losing weight!". Like hell I am. I mean, sure, since last may I've lost like twenty pounds, and I'm kind of proud of that, but thats still not much. There are girls who lose twenty pounds in a month. Not. Fucking. Fair.
Well thanks for listening to me rant and ramble.


An ED Specialist?

I'm a kid in middle school who's too fat to be happy.
That's the only introduction I have for you.

My day started at 5:00 when I woke up and went down stairs to do an ab work out. I should do that more often... anyway, after that, I showered. I had to use three kinds of conditioners because my hair has been extremely dry lately... maybe it's because of the lack of food. Damn, is that happening to me already? So, I went downstairs to finish the homework I didn't do last night. I ended up driving to school in the back seat of my mom's car while she and my sister screamed at each other over nothing in the front. School was fine, but I was supposed to be on a no carb diet today, and I broke it by having a bite of the bread they were selling in the caf. Actually, I also had a bowl of pasta too when I came home. Whoops. I think tomorrow I'll just eat a few sticks of celery to make up for it. After my mom drove me a half hour to Jew class and dropped me off, I walked in only to realize there actually was none because of some stupid service for the kids. So I called me mom, and she turned around and picked me up. She wanted to go to some house in Hartford where her great great grandpa used to live with his 13 year old wife, but it actually wasn't there anymore. Instead there was a fenced in parking lot. More useless time wasted. On the way home, I asked for laxatives because I haven't been getting the physical results I've been so desperately needing, but she just started screaming at me. She told me she's gonna take me to a "specialist" who helps girls my age with "eating disorders and self image problems". I don't have an eating disorder, and I don't have a self image problem. I'm a middle school girl who's constantly surrounded by girls with the thinnest, most perfect bodies. Aren't all girls my age trying to lose weight? My response to her suggestion was, "Why don't you just take me to an institution so they can cure me and make me eat pizza all day? You'll be happy if I'm fat, right?". She told me I don't need rehab, I just need to "stop this before it takes over your life". To put it plainly, I'd be glad if striving to be thin, exercising, and having good eating habits took over my life. At least then I might actually become beautiful to other people. Is this lady shes taking me to gonna sit me down and make me eat cupcakes every day? I don't need this. I don't have a problem. I have a solution.