Yeah, yay, fucking relapse. Great. I've been doing well for a few months, but I'm turning around and going back to anorexia. The thing about my eating disorder is that I know exactly the way my brain is working; I know I'm only focusing on food to distract myself from the fact that I'm depressed. I know I'm not invincible. I know starving myself is self destructive and it's stupid and wont solve my problems.
But despite knowing, I just don't care. I want to be a small little thing, I want to lose weight, I want to have orthostatic hypertension, anemia, blah blah blah.
So yesterday I didn't eat until 1:00; I had a mango, 3 eggs, pasta, and some onion, and I purged it. So today I didn't eat until my mom took me to a small restaurant for lunch around 2, and I had two slices of watermelon. We took a long walk and burned off those calories, but when we got home she made me eggs and toast. I had to eat that so she wouldn't think I was up to something. I took a bike ride afterward, hoping to both burn a few calories and that the exercise would speed up my metabolism.
I don't have a scale but I don't need one. Effort will show me my results in the mirror.